So, today was a day of great progress.
I did my first visit to the gym that I plan to go to with my brother. I won’t lie, but I was nervous and scared shitless. A friend of mine has pointed out that I have a fear of being judged and a fear of failing, and today both of those fears were kicking in so hard when my brother swept the card to enter the gym.
As soon as we walked in I felt a panic attack coming on. I saw all the healthy people and all the muscle-builders and what not, and I just thought “what the fuck am I doing? I have nothing on these people..”
My brother showed me around and we headed to the office to talk to the owner of the gym about me doing a free work out to test the gym out and make a decision based after the work out. Before the work out I already knew that this was the gym I wanted to go to, but I was starting to doubt that decision when I stood there.
We went in and got changed, and I still had the feeling that a panic attack was on the way, and I was feeling so bad about myself. But then something happened. We went out into the gym…
…and no one looked. No one gave me the silent judging or taunting smirks I thought they would. I started feeling a bit more calm and comfortable, then we started trying out some machines and some routines, just to get a feel for the place and the actual things that I would be doing.
And that’s when it happened. I stopped caring. I stopped caring what others might think. That’s when I had the revelation.
Yes, I am weak. But I am here to not be.
Yes, I am insecure. But I am here to not be.
Yes, I am nowhere near my goal body. But I am here.. to not.. be.
We did a full hour of different strength exercises and just got a feel for the place, and you know what? I can’t feel my arms. I have this wonderful pain in my arms. I got this feeling of accomplishment that I haven’t had in years. I didn’t even feel this proud of myself when Going Quantum said he liked my DnB mix.
The only thing I need to get better at now is planning out my meals during the day. But I guess, just like getting into a routine to work out, that it comes with time.
There is one person I want to apologize to and thank at the same time. Rhosauce. I am so sorry that I have ever doubted or not apreciated when you told me that this was what was going to happen. And you have no idea how much it means to me that you have faith in me that I can change and become as healthy as I want and need to be.
I also want to thank you Ant (a.k.a Weaponxvii). I actually checked through your tumblr before I went to the gym, and got inspired to what I wanted to focus on today.
I feel obligated to have some sort of motivational bit here at the end, but I honestly don’t know what to say apart from:
People won’t judge you. You will judge yourself and think it’s other people judging you. I believe in you. I have faith in you. If I can go, so can you. Do it for yourself. Do it for the one you love. Do it for your future family.
I feel so alive..
If you excuse me, I’m gonna go strech and get some food in me before I hook up my DJ things and celebrate my first big step towards being the man I want to be.